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Irish Scones

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not fordeath's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the Nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . . . .

**** off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it I could have
sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that
we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said,

"Oh, am I driving?"

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her
in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems

But after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her
up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old
woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are! they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies.

"Except they won't let you fart."


A man had just put his elderly father in a nursing home and decided to visit to see how he was adjusting to life in the home. When he asked his father how he liked his new home the father replied.
"Oh its just fine the home is comfortable, the food is good, and they give us complan and viagra every night at bedtime."
The son was somewhat concerned about this and decided to ask the matron if this was in fact the case. "Is it true that you give my father Complan and Viagra at bedtime"? He asked.
"Oh Yes" she replied, "we find that it is a wonderful combination".
"The Complan helps them sleep and the Viagra keeps them from

rolling out of bed."

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