20 Rules men wish women knew

22 RULES LADS WISH GIRLS KNEW......

If you think you're fat, you probably are - don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat, if it's up, put it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. It can't be altered so just leave it be.
Shopping is not a sport.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Most guys own 2 or 3 pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of 30 would look good with your dress?
"Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers
Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
"Offside" is a term from physics and refers to subatomic particles.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we really meant the other one.
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

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and while I'm at it

THOSE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER EVER HEAR A BLOKE SAY

"No, I don't want another pint. Must take it easy - I really have to work tomorrow."

"Sometimes I just want to be held."

"That chick on 'Murder She Wrote' gives me a right stiffy."

"We haven't been to the shopping centre for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your handbag."

"To hell with "Match of the Day", let's watch that lovely Meryl Streep film instead."

"I love jogging Dear, but I can't keep up with you, you go on ahead."

"My backside's too big, don't lie, it's true. I know my backside's too big."

"I wonder if my gorgeous neighbour knows that her curtains are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe we should pop round and tell her."

"This film has way too much nudity."

"I think Pat Kenny is one cool and sexy dude."

"Damn these onions, pass me a tissue."

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Instructions on what to say and, more importantly, if you value your "Dangly Bit Things", what not to say.

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

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Women's Training Courses

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

Parties: Going Without New Outfits

Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

Introduction to Parking

Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

Water Retention: Fact or Fat

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People>

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

TV Remotes: For Men Only

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The O'Byrne Files Male Code Of Conduct..."

At no time may two men share an umbrella.

When you are queried by a mate's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, parish priest, shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of the cop shop within 12 hours.

You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a pub by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullsh!t. (Exception: When trying to pick up a lass, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%)

If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

Bitching about the brand of free lager in a mate's fridge is forbidden. But you may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a mate's birthday is strictly optional.

Before dating a friend's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the offside rule and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If a man's fly is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

The universal compensation mechanism for mates who help you move flats is free beer.

Your girlfriend must bond with your best mate's girlfriends within half an hour of meeting them, and within two hours they are VBFs. But you are not required to make nice with her girlfriends' boyfriend dickheads - low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a footie match, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weightlifting in the gym: "Yeah, baby, push it!", "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!", "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice bottom, are you a Sagittarius?" Unless it's a gay gym of course, and you're gay, in which it's perfectly OK.

Never talk to a man in the loo unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or waiting in the queue. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

The Women's Dictionary

1.Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks. It will lead to one of the arguments mentioned above.

2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".

4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."

5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!

7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."

11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".

12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

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