1. If you think you're fat, you probably are - don't ask us.

  2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it's up, put it down.

  3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.

  4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

  5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

  6. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. It can't be altered so just leave it be.

  7. Shopping is not a sport.

  8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

  9. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

  10. You have enough clothes.

  11. You have too many shoes

  12. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work

  13. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

  14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

  15. Most guys own 2 or 3 pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of 30 would look good with your dress?

  16. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers

  17. Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

  18. "Offside" is a term from physics and refers to subatomic particles.

  19. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  All comments become null and void after 7 days.

  20. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

  21. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we really meant the other one.

  22. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

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and while I'm at it


  1. "No, I don't want another pint. Must take it easy - I really have to work tomorrow."

  2. "Sometimes I just want to be held."

  3. "That chick on 'Murder She Wrote' gives me a right stiffy."

  4. "We haven't been to the shopping centre for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your handbag."

  5. "To hell with "Match of the Day", let's watch that lovely Meryl Streep film instead."

  6. "I love jogging Dear, but I can't keep up with you, you go on ahead."

  7. "My backside's too big, don't lie, it's true. I know my backside's too big."

  8. "I wonder if my gorgeous neighbour knows that her curtains are open when she's getting ready for bed.  Maybe we should pop round and tell her."

  9. "This film has way too much nudity."

  10. "I think Pat Kenny is one cool and sexy dude."

  11. "Damn these onions, pass me a tissue."

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Instructions on what to say and, more importantly, if you value your "Dangly Bit Things", what not to say.

SAFEST:            Where would you like to go for dinner?
              Can I help you with dinner?
  What's for dinner?

SAFEST:            Wow! Look at you!
              Gee, you look good in brown.
  Are you wearing THAT?

SAFEST:           Here's fifty dollars.
             Could we be overreacting?
What are you so worked up about?

SAFEST:           Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
              You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Should you be eating that?

SAFEST:            I've always loved you in that robe.
              I hope you didn't overdo it today.
What did you DO all day?

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Women's Training Courses

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

  1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

  2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
  3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
  4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
  5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
  6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
  7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
  8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
  9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
  10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
  11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
  12. Introduction to Parking
  13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
  14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
  15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
  16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
  17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People>
  18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
  19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
  20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
  21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
  22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
  23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
  24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
  25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
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The O'Byrne Files Male Code Of Conduct..."

The Women's Dictionary

This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks. It will lead to one of the arguments mentioned above.

2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".

4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."

5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!

7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."

11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".

12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

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Finally, why can't women remember to put the toilet lid back up!?

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