Dublin and Dubliners

Next: - more humour!  Back: My Humour

No tourism promotion here . . .
this is just the O'Byrne Files view of Dublin - may not be the best part of the country, but it's where I live. . .
and it will do for now!

A tribute to DUBLIN characters

My Tribute to Dubliners - (not the folk group though) courtesy of a collection compiled from the writing of Tom Mathews
Dubliners

Come and meet nice Dublin characters

Then there's the Gallery of Dublin Scene players

If you are going to get along in Dublin
you'll need to understand what the people are saying, and be able to join in!

The O'Byrne Files
Guide on
how to
Speak English in Dublin

A useful guide if your going to understand whats going on!

On the amusing side, there are some Jokes with a Dublin theme
 

Did you know there are twelve Dublins in the United States and six in Australia?
There are two sides to the Dublin in Ireland - "da nart soide and da sout soide"
to which side of the Liffey do you belong?

Mind you, Dubliners firmly believe there are only two places in Ireland: 1) "Dooblin"and 2) "dowen da coontry".

If you get to Dublin, be warned, a terror stalks the streets of the city.
.
Bussicus Dublinius

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy...

To help you along - Here is the Dublin Drinking Guide

Some Facts about Dublin

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN WAY TOO LONG...  

  1. You say "I'm grand" all the time. 

  2. You drink Guinness as if it's a sixth food group.

  3. You disagreed with 2. - You believe Guinness is the FIRST food group.

  4. You're pale and white... yet compared with others your suntan looks good.

  5. You say "Are yez grand ?" all the time.

  6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.

  7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.

  8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh, Siobhan, Aoife, Fiachra and Kinsella.

  9. You've stopped bothering to ask how much things cost but ask "How long will it take?"

  10. Two-thirds of the people you know are from the States or Bangalore.

  11. American tourists no longer annoy you

  12. You see a member of Westlife on Grafton Street and find it hard to get excited about it.

  13. Somebody speaks to you on the DART and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.

  14. When you meet someone on Tuesday afternoon you tell them you haven't been out in ages then remember that you were chatting to that same person last night in the Mulligans

  15. You have no idea where Ballydehob is.

  16. The countryside makes you nervous.

  17. You take five hours to get home of a Saturday night and think nothing of it. 

  18. You take three hours commuting to work each day and think nothing of it.

  19. You make 60k a year, yet you still can't find somewhere to live.

  20. You make 60k a year, and you still can't find somewhere to park either.

  21. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over 4 euro for a pint.

  22. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30mph in you car in 'towen'

  23. Go "into towen" on weekends but don't live there because you like your car.

  24. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes.

  25. You say "Yer man" all the time.

  26. You say "Yer woman" all the time.

  27. Call your mother "aul one" and your father "aul lad"

  28. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.

  29. You find yourself still living with the family and having  dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at the age of 30.

  30. You talk about "dinners" and "mammys".

  31. Diamond jumpers and Scanda Jacket essential part of wardrobe. These compliments the tracksuits down to a tee.

  32. Know the Macari's or Borzza Takeaway menus off by heart.

  33. Anyone not from Dublin is a 'wanker'

  34. Anyone from north of the Liffey is a 'Northside wanker'

  35. You spend your time from June to October is collecting for bon-fire.

  36. The only girls you know are all called Natalie, Jasinteh, Janet, Imeldeh, Maggie, Sharon or Tracey.

  37. The only men you know are called Anto, Doyler, Rayo, Whacker, Git or Mousey.

  38. Nearest thing to nature you have been is swimming or fishing in Canal or swearing at culchies when they come up "from the fuckin country".

Signs You've Been Working In Dublin under the Celtic Tiger Waaaaaay Too Long...

  • You email your colleague at the desk beside you to ask: "Fancy going out for lunch?" And he/she emails back: "Yeah, gimme five minutes".

  • It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the so-called summer.

  • Your swipecards for getting through doors now outnumber your credit cards.

  • Being sick is defined as being unable to walk - or being in hospital.

  • Your idea of "being organised" is multicoloured Post-its.

  • You've either sat at five different desks this week, or you've been at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

  • You get dead excited about a 1.2 per cent wage rise.

  • Your biggest loss from a computer crash is your jokes collection

  • You're already late on the assignment you've just got.

  • Your Ma describes your job as "...works with computers".

  • You only have make-up for fluorescent lighting.

  • Your employer has redefined you as "a semi-permanent independent contractor".

  • Every week another collection envelope comes around, cos someone you didn't know had started is now leaving.

  • You wonder who's going to be left to put money into your own 'leaving' envelope.

Signs that the Celtic Tiger is being tamed in Dublin

  • You can now finally get a taxi

  • You pay less tax
  • Rents stop going up so fast
  • At least some of them ba$tards in the Financial Services Centre stop getting fat bonuses.
  • You can get tickets to the theatre too
  • With no one in the shops any more, the customer is finally king again.
  • Our politicians look useless.
  • And the same Ministers who took the kudos at the factory openings are now nowhere to be seen.
  • Estate agents lose their jobs.
  • Business pages stop referring to charlatans as "gurus"
  • No more "power breakfasts"
  • Oh good, you can cancel that stupid gym membership

Signs that you have a boring job in Dublin

  • You can work with over 20 windows open on your PC - but only one of them is to do with work (and over five of them are to do with www.p45.net).

  • You've now visited every website in Ireland.

  • You were the only one ready for the rush of ticket sales for that second U2 gig.

  •  RTE want to hire you for your in-depth knowledge of Breaking News.

  • You can now pull staples out of A4 paper - with your teeth.

  • The image of http://www.p45rant.com/index.html is now burned into your monitor.

  • In your 10 years as a Garda on traffic duty you've never had to write one single speeding ticket.

  • You've seen that late-night programme "Web Review" on ITV.

  • Your GP says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.

Only in Dublin . . .

  • Only in Dublin - can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  • Only in Dublin - are there handicap parking places in front of a golf club-house.
  • Only in Dublin - do pharmacists make the sick walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of any shop.
  • Only in Dublin - do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Only in Dublin - do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in Dublin - do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds (euros if you like) in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  • Only in Dublin - do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
  • Only in Dublin - do we buy hamburgers in packages of four and buns in packages of six.
  • Only in Dublin - do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'
  • Only in Dublin - do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
  • Only in Dublin - are the least useful professions (politicians, TV personalities & entertainers) paid so disproportionally much compared to people with normal jobs.

The Announcements We'd Really Like To Hear At Heuston (Railway) Station in Dublin:

  • "The train approaching Platform 3 is on schedule."
  • "Due to overcrowding on the train to Kilkenny, extra carriages are being added. We apologise for the delay."
  • "The new high-speed TGV link to Paris is leaving in 15 minutes."
  • "We would like to announce that all small obnoxious children on the Cork train will be sedated."
  • "Would Thomas the Tank Engine please come to the Diary Room, thank you."
  • [Putting on Ringo Starr voice] "Choo-choo went Thomas as he went through the tunnel... The fat controller would like to apologise for the late departure of the Galway train."
  • "It's my turn to do it! No, my turn. Gimme that f***ing tannoy mike, or I'll nut ye!"
  • "Pueden todos los estudiantes espanoles conseguir por favor del piso?" (Could all Spanish students please get up off the floor?)
  • "The direct non-mobile phone service from Dublin to Cork, is now departing from platform number 2."
  • "Heuston we have a problem..."
  • Yep, we're getting there, but we're not there yet!

Did you know?

  • "Jack" or "Jackeen" is a disparaging name for Dubliners, based on the waving of Union Jacks during a visit of Queen Victoria to Dublin in the eighteenth centaury.   For other 'Dublin Facts' try here!
  •  To predict the weather in Dublin: If you can see the Dublin Mountains, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
  • In 1759, Arthur Guinness took over a small brewery on the then outskirts of Dublin. After signing a 9,000-year lease at an annual rent of 45 quid, Guinness started brewing ales and a relatively new beer called porter, so named because of its popularity among the porters of Covent Garden in London. Apparently.
  • In a properly poured pint of Guinness, there are bubbles that work their way down the glass instead of up.  Scientists at the University of New South Wales in Australia recently did some computer-simulated fluid dynamics research and found that the largest bubbles are in the centre - where they are hidden - and do rise. Only the smaller bubbles at the edges are pushed to the bottom of the glass by theose larger ones!

DUBLINERS'  PRAYER AT BEDTIME
We believe in one drink, Guinness the almighty
Makers of cans and bottles
Of all that is drunk and un-drunk
We believe in one brewer, Arthur
The only son of Guinness
Eternally begotten of the hops
Hops from hops, barley from barley
True drink from true drink
Begotten not made
Of one distillery of the Father
Through it all things were made
For us men and our salvation
It comes down from St. James Gate
By the power of the market he became incarnate
And was made a rich man
For our sake we are crucified under Pontius Prices
Bad pints, suffer hangovers and A.A. meetings
On the next day we rise again in accordance
With our scruples and ascend into oblivion
We come again to judge the living and the dead
We believe in one alcoholic beverage
Brewed and bottled under one licence
We acknowledge one Arthur, son of the almighty pint
Conceived in heaven and sold on earth
Blessed is the one drink through one father and many sons
Sold under one label and distributed throughout the world
We look for the resurrection of new drinks
And a cure for hangovers.
Amen


BEER WARNING

Garda warn all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date-rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere.

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex if offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.


Sad news about beer.

You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.

Yesterday, scientists for the Irish Department of Health suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong.

or

The Evils of Drink

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 12 year old students a lesson about the evils of dink, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of Guinness and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the Guinness. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

Sean, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink Guinness and you won't get worms."


Due to increasing products liability litigation, Irish beer brewers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally

disappear.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause people in clubs to appear better looking than they actually are. (not to mention the lighting wonders for their looks)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol in females may cause extreme bloating in a 9 month period. (oops)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.


Because of the ever  rising "compo culture", in Dublin some well-known nursery rhymes have Dublin versions to reflect this new era...

A:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And got 50,000) a year (50,000 euros) thereafter in quarterly instalments.

B:
Hickory Dickory Dock
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one
And down he run
Straight to his solicitor to claim stress induced by a noisy and highly unsafe environment that contravened all the workplace safety laws in the book.

C:
Itsy Witsy Spider climbed up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed poor Itsy out.
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
And Itsy settled out of court for 50,000 gain.

There is also the famous case of Humpty Dumpty.  The rhyme gives no suggestion that such a fall involving multiple fractures and permanent incapacity could be worth millions if properly litigated.   Not only was the wall manufacturer clearly liable, but the authorities who treated the injured plaintiff were also culpable.   I like to hear someone explain how 'all the King's horses' qualify as authorised medical practitioners.

 

The Rose of Tralee rocks. Here's a sneak preview of next year's final...

THE TALLAGHT ROSE: Laura wore a lovely blue shoulderless number that nicely showed off her tattoos (on both shoulders). For community service she gave lessons at the local boxing club. Unfortunately, her talent (breaking into an 'E'-class Mercedes live, on stage) didn't impress the judges.

THE BALLSBRIDGE ROSE: Siobhan was looking grand in her slinky euro 2,400 dress (from a designer shop in the Powerscourt Centre), and her community work of sending 3,000 parcels of "The Body Shop" camomile massage oil and exfoliating body towels to Ethopia had gone down a storm. However she resigned in disgrace when it was revealed her daddy had asked the local TD to intervene in the judging process.

THE BRAY ROSE: Despite being able to touch her tongue to her forehead and make rolling motions with her belly, Anna didn't make it to the final - accepting the prize would have meant violating her parole conditions. We never got to hear her rousing rendition of Garth Brooks's "Friends in Low Places".

THE LIMERICK ROSE: Was disqualified for stabbing the Leitrim Rose.

THE CONNEMARA ROSE: Brid make a lovely dress out of sea shells and was ready to sing on stage the dance anthem "Sandstorm" (she had recently heard it in one of the lovely new bars in Galway city). But she didn't make it to Tralee because her tractor (laden with bog - might as well take a load along on the same trip) broke down only halfway along the N21.

THE RATHMINES ROSE: Kim had it all - charm, sophistication, community awareness and a stunning voice... but the Rathmines Rose actually turned out to be a man, and ran off to elope with his escort (they'll be starting their honeymoon trip with Bingo in The George this Sunday).

THE KNOCKLYON ROSE: Dressed in a tasteful but plain dress with no special features or noticeable personality, the Knocklyon Rose stood quietly in the crowd between the Rathfarnham Rose and the Tallaght Rose while judges tried to find her. After a half hour of searching the judges gave up and moved on.

THE BALLYFERMOT FOSE: Shardin was a lovely girl, styled in a lovely white silk dress with matching Nike Swoosh that blended very well with the Air Max. Wearing a collection of sovereigns, spangly 12" earrings and sporting the Mr T collection around the neck all outside the dress, she had the judges all in awe. Shardin let herself down though, being disqualified for jumping on some poor 14-year-old girl on the way in with her 12 mates and claiming it was a fair fight.

THE CLONTARF ROSE: Elizabeth refused to go, as daddy got last summer's style Hilfiger Dress after she had maxed out all nine of her Access, Dinners Club, Visa and American Express cards.

THE CLONDALKIN ROSE: Susan never made it as she mugged the bus driver and was subsequently arrested.


Perspectives:

* Earth to Mars: Approx 77 Million km
* Nasa Spirit Cost: Approx 321 million
* Launched: 10-06-2003
* Landed: Jan 2004
* Status: Working

Luas:
* Length of first two lines: Approx 25 km
* Luas cost so far: Approx. 675 million
* Construction of Line A commenced in: September 1999.
* Status: Not working yet


If you are interested in the weather in Dublin, well here it is!

Links in Dublin

Do you know Dublin?  An interesting map of Dublin
Where ever you are
you can  take a look at Dublin right now!
A good newspaper in Dublin is useful
The Irish Times
Weather?Statistics - Dublin by month
Interested in Architecture? Dublin's Architecture?
Built Dublin!
Architectural Dublin - A Guide
Architectural Dublin Medieval & 17th Century Dublin Architecture
Architectural Dublin 20th Century Architecture
Architectural Dublin 19th Century Architecture
Architectural Dublin 18th Century Dublin Architecture
Architectural Dublin - A Guide to the Architecture of Dublin, Ireland
Busaras, Dublin's Bus Station
Dublin in Bits Picture Gallery
Dublin Art - Secret Gallery

What's on on in Dublin
The Dublin Event Guide
Art & Music resource Dublin
City Arts Centre in Dublin
Project Arts Centre - Dublin
Dublin Writers Workshop
Dublin Jazz
Blues in Dublin
Dublin Chamber Music Group Contemporary Music Centre, Ireland

Dublin's 'Left Bank!'  Temple Bar Information Centre
The Temple Theatre, Dublin
Joyce!
James Joyce - 200 links
Joyce, James - in Brief (Japan)
Joyce - dyoublong
Joyce, James - International Foundation
Joyce Studies - Hypermedia
Joyce -Ulysses for Dummies
Joyce -Work in Progress
Joyce,
James - Resources
Joyce (Japanese site in English)
James - The Unknown
Joycean Maps of Dublin over 100 years
Bloomsday - The Dublin in Bits Picture Gallery

DUBLINERS who have made it into a hall of fame and why
Dubliners, The
Dubliners Discography, The

Dublin Drinking
Famous Dublin Pubs

Dublin Bus Navigator
Dart! Timetable for the
Interactive Dart Map

Hedonist's Guide to Dublin
Viking Network Info-sheet Vikings in Dublin
Globetrotters Guide to Dublin
Ireland Dublin Sights, Public buildings, Mus.
Liffey River
Lucan, Look at
Mayors and Lord Mayors of Dublin
Temple Bar
Dublin Airport (Arrivals)
Dublin Airport (Departures)
How to get to Dublin

An other Dublin page with nothing much about Kimmage but worth a look
(Conor's corner)
Need a map?  A Mad Map - A Mad Map of Dublin
Dublin Area WWW Servers
Dublin 1610, Map of
Dublin - Satellite Photo
Dublin, Radar Image
Maps of Dublin over 100 years - Joycean

South Dublin County Council [Local Government!]
Not much about Lucan, but this site looks well (careful not a cookie free zone) 
Lucan On Line
A community 'on the edge' in Dublin  Tallaght be proud!

More to come . . someday!

This page will be revised from time to time . .
If you find more about Dublin, and think I should include it here, please let me know!    
e-mail   N. O'Byrne  Or you can use this:  Comment / Suggestion Form    Thanks!

O'Byrne Files World 
Home  |  About Me  |  O'Byrne Genealogy  |  My Environment  |  My Humour  |  Computer Fun  |  More Humour  |  My Dublin |  My Dublin Slang and other dictionaries  |  My Ireland  |  Hillwalking Theory  |  Fav Sites  |  My Links  |  Ego Promotion & Reminder  |  Photos  |  Best bits Summary  |  Contents  

Updated: Wednesday December 13, 2006

Awards

My only recognition so far!
An assessment once upon a time from those nice people at Doras! (Must try to get back on their reviews someday!)