Dublin Drinking Guide

  1. SYMPTOM:   Pint appears to be crystal clear...
    FAULT:          It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION:        Punch him/her.

  2. SYMPTOM:   Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
    FAULT:          Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION:        See if they've any free pints anyhow.

  3. SYMPTOM:   Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT:          Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION:        Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

  4. SYMPTOM:   Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT:          Improper bladder control.
    ACTION:        Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

  5. SYMPTOM:   Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT:          Glass empty.
    ACTION:        Get someone to get you another pint.

  6. SYMPTOM:   Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT:          You've fallen over backwards.
    ACTION:        Have yourself chained to bar counter.

  7. SYMPTOM:   Mouth contains fag-ends.
    FAULT:          You have fallen forward.
    ACTION:        See above.

  8. SYMPTOM:   Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT:          Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION:        Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

  9. SYMPTOM:   Floor blurry.
    FAULT:          You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION:        Get someone to get you another pint.

  10. SYMPTOM:   Floor moving.
    FAULT:          You are being carried out.
    ACTION:        Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

  11. SYMPTOM:   Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT:          Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
    ACTION:        Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

  12. SYMPTOM:   Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
    FAULT:          Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION:        Cover mouth.

  13. SYMPTOM:   Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT:          You are dancing on a table.
    ACTION:        Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

  14. SYMPTOM:   Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
    FAULT:          You have been in a fight.
    ACTION:        Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

  15. SYMPTOM:   Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT:          That lager is too weak.
    ACTION:        Have more drink until your voice improves.

  16. SYMPTOM:   Don't remember the words to song.
    FAULT:          Beer is just right.
    ACTION:        Play air guitar.

  17. SYMPTOM:   Ugly woman/man in your sights.
    FAULT:          Insufficient beer intake.
    ACTION:        Up dosage immediately.

  18. SYMPTOM:   Shins and toes hurt.
    FAULT:          You've been walking into things.
    ACTION:        Maintain dosage.

  19. SYMPTOM:   Squishy feeling in the hands.
    FAULT:          You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
    ACTION:        Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

  20. SYMPTOM:   Bed is bumping around.
    FAULT:          Taking an ambulance ride.
    ACTION:        It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.

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Updated: Thursday March 25, 2004