1: DOS Beer
You need to use your own can opener, and it requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
2: Mac Beer
Initially came in only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
3: Windows 3.1 Beer
Used to be the world's most popular. Claims it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
4: Windows 95 Beer
Looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people kept drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends tried Windows 95 Beer and said they liked it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claimed it was an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger fridges. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but then the company promised to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
B: IF COMPUTER OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE LIKE AIRLINES...
Passengers are handed maps, compasses, rulers, pencils, and an airplane manual (shrink- wrapped) as they enter the plane. They have to figure out how to get the plane to wherever they want to go. Some succeed very well. Others crash, but they shouldn't have been messing around with airplanes anyway.
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without you having to know, so just shut up.
If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip ...
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and an uneventful takeoff... then the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.
Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison, and forms the outline of a plane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they're flying.
Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they are building.
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