A Dictionary for Women

• Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.    A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet.

• Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n      You did the shopping, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

• Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.    Jokes that are short, so men can understand them.

• Childbirth (child*brth) n.    You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."

• Clothes drier (kloze dri*yer) n.    An appliance designed to eat socks.

• Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.    The last two minutes of a soccer match.

• Exercise (ex*er*siz) v    To walk the length and breadth of a shopping centre, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

• "Hair Dresser" (hare dres*er) n.    Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

• "Hardware Store" (hard*war stor) n   Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

• "Lipstick" (lip*stik) n   On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a slapper would wear...!

• "Park" (park) v./n.    Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

• "Patience" (pa*shens) n.    The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers."

• "Shopping List" (grow*ser*ee list) n.    What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the supermarket.

• "Valentine's Day" (val*en*tinez dae) n    A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

• "Waterproof Mascara" (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.    Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

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