O'Byrne Files© TV Satire Collection
F_o_r_ a_l_l_ y_o_u_ t_r_e_k_k_i_e_s o_u_t_ t_h_e_r_e
THOSE THINGS THAT NEVER BLOODY WELL HAPPEN ON STAR TREK...
The Enterprise runs into this mysterious energy field of a type that it happens to have encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientist boffins, who are all perfectly grand thanks and would you like a quick cuppa Barry's Tea?
The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form, wearing a silly hat and looking a lot like Mary O'Rourke.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads and doesn't know the six-character password for the ship's Eircom.net account.
A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as an ESB problem by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. It fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th-century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP (from a planet called Romania) from one place to another without being hijacked by a bunch of furry knackers from Darndale.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it a box of Quality Street.
The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is totally unconnected with the 20th century.
The shields on the Enterprise actually stay up during a battle for a change.
A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails (anybody knows it takes at least 3 seconds for intergalactic modems to "handshake").
Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a blonde bimbo supermodel on a planet he visits, only he isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
"Captain, I cannot believe my ears!" - Spock
...yes, what if Data (from "Star Trek, The Next Generation") were MS Windows compatible?
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main view screen does not have sufficient video memory. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so. [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the centre, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which are actually the spitting image of those alien lads in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir. [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor, turns it over, and places it on the console. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the view screen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. - To Data: Control-alt-delete, Data. [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants? Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant 1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose no longer valid.
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried them I was put on hold for two hours before I could talk to anyone. [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, the shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialise on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
FERENGI: (with a mercenary grin) Can I interest you in a cheap Macintosh, Captain?
STAR TREK VIII: To infinity and beyond
Space, the final frontier. Captain's Log, Star date 3.1.415.927. We have been travelling in the Irelantis galaxy, Sector 2, Quadrant 5, and recently ran out of space on our F: drive (a networked DOS partition which is networked to some VAXen via TCP/IP). It was a mistake to tie ourselves to one drive with limited potential, so a truly virtual F: drive was created from our available resources by Lieutenant Sherlock, our Systems Administrator, 1st class, without consulting the Captain.
Captain: "Good work, Lieutenant Sherlock. Status report, Mr. Spock?"
Spock: "I'm querying the new NetManager, now, Captain."
Sulu: "Captain! All dialup ports are frozen solid!"
Captain: "Mr. Scott! What's happening down there?"
Scott: "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e disks, forsooth?"
Chekov: "Sir, I believe he said 'I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona disks, forsooth?'"
Captain: "Say what?"
Spock: "Sir, I believe he said the disks are full, and backfeeding bits onto the bus. I've got the NetManager query response coming in now."
NetManager: "VAX01 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX02 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX03 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX04 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
Captain: "Spock! What could have happened?"
Spock: "Insufficient data, Captain, but the ship's disk log seems to indicate that the F: drive has broken out of the UNIX isolation ward and grown to an incredible size. It must have eaten all of our spare disk to do this."
Sulu: "Captain, we've got inbound customers on TTYs 1, 5, and 7, all their respective Commtasks are dying, and they have gone to Condition Red. LANfleet command is on the LA120 with an urgent message to help them."
Spock: "Not without more resources, Jim."
Captain: "Mr. Scott!!! I need more disk! Giga factor 2!"
Spock: "Allow me, Captain. Mr. Scott, thah captain sesd heanz seasd na ha mure spece onha deesk ana hea musthef 2 gig or mure."
Scott: (mumble mumble mumble)
Chekov: "I believe he said..."
Spock: "Sir, I believe he said we can't afford it."
Captain: "Beam me to finance, Snottie."
Spock: "Wait, captain. Not yet. Lieutenant Sherlock has been training a new F: drive expert - maybe he can help."
NetManager: "...VAX318 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX319 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX320 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
Captain: "Mr. Spock! Can you shut that thing..."
Spock: "Wait! We could uninstall that new Windows XP OS."
NetManager: "STIATL - urgent msg for sherlock: F: drive full"
Spock: "Too late (pause).... Fascinating. Here's the trouble. The STIATL drive filled up, and a virtual F:olator kicked in, allowing the other drives on the net to consume themselves. Even the Warp drive is full. All the dilithium crystals got archived to tape to make room for DOS programs."
Captain: "DOS!!! I thought we pawned that off on the Klingons. We did! I remember. The MS plague wiped them out!"
Spock: "Yes, sir, but DOS are like tribbles, but MUCH less friendly, and MUCH more dangerous."
Captain: "This is the Captain! Prepare to abandon ship! Mr. Spock, activate self-destruct sequence..."
This material is courtesy of my friends from Wasting time @ Work
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Video Game Satire (Yes I know its not TV!)
THE 15 MAIN THINGS WOT WE LEARNT FROM 1980s VIDEO GAMES...
There's no problem that cannot be overcome by extreme violence.
If it moves, kill it!
One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys." because bad guys are right eejits who move in predictable patterns. Except for "bosses", most bad guys can be dispatched with just one hit (and remember you often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" than against a "boss" in one-on-one combat).
Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it doesn't, try and pick it up - it was probably a power-up or bonus. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it. Same with medical kits stuff, sort of.
You can smash things and get away with it. Smashing things doesn't hurt - in fact many nice things are hidden inside other things.
If someone dies, they disappear. (No problems about burying them under the patio as in "Brookside" etc)
All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
Death is reversible (but only for you!).
When you are born, you drop out of the sky and are completely invincible for a short time.
Although them enemy lads always have more aircraft than you, they fly in elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.
All martial arts women wear revealing clothes and have great bods. And all martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.
Driving any form of vehicle is simple and requires no training. And when racing around in a vehicle, don't panic if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.
The most powerful fighters always wait until you've achieved a near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a huge bodycount of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat the living shite out of you.
You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough 50-pence pieces.
No how matter how good you get, there's always some gawky wee prat from down the street who has managed to get the top five scores.
13 Rules For Surviving A Horror Film
When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
No sex, beer or partying! Any of these activities will surely seal your fate.
If you find a town which is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
If an imminent natural disaster or killer beast threatens your town, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
HOW TV COULD REVAMP SOME FAIRY TALES FOR TODAY'S TECHIE KIDS!
Trendy companies with creative people only use Apples.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
People typing away on a computer can turn it off without saving the data or doing the "Shut Down" function - simply switch the off button. Niamh in Blue Dolphin in "Fair City" does it all the time.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before the intermission - and can guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED always has an OVERRIDE function.
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. All modems transmit data at approx eight gigabytes per second.
Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress, so there's no need for an UNDO shortcut.
Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a Cray supercomputer.
You can tell when an office drama was made by what OS they're using (e.g. believe it or not, BBC's "This Life" was still on Windows 3.1)
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, 'cos the buttons aren't labelled.
Every car that crashes will explode.
The phone must be answered on the first ring or the caller will hang up.
Women running away from anything will always trip and fall
All foreigners speak to each other in English when alone
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
Any laptop is powerful enough to overcome any invading alien society
Cutting any wire will defuse a bomb if there is less than ten second to detonation.
It never matters if you are outnumbered by baddies - they will wait patiently to attack one-by-one by dancing around in in a threatning manner until you have dealt with their predecessors.
When you turn off a light at night, everything will be clearly visible and slightly bluish.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Croke Park.
If you are blond and pretty, you can become a world expert on nuclear fission by the age of 20.
Honest hardworking policemen are usually gunned down three days before retirement
All grocery bags must contain a stick of French bread
Beds should have sheets fitted to reach up to a woman's armpit, but only to waist level of the man beside her.
You will never survive a battle if you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking a beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Women will only investigate strange noises while wearing revealing underwear.
It is necessary to turn a steering wheel vigorously while driving on a straight road.
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
Policemen can only solve difficult cases if they are suspended.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it's the door to a burning building with someone trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place as no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Look, how were we to know that Barbie was married to a drug baron?
And you thought her only problems were that she's anorexic, brainless and top heavy. But that's just the tip of the iceberg...
[Adopting Loyd Grossman voice] "Just look at all the signs: a woman who has no job unless you count short spells as a ballerina, racing car driver, pony trainer and nurse. She spends most of her time mooching around in department stores. Her boyfriend Ken (probably an alias too) provides for her every need. But the precise details of Ken's own means of gainful employment remain a tad cloudy and the whole situation seems unorthodox to put it mildly. Yes, all we know is that he brings in enough every week to finance cosmetic surgery, a Ferrari, a dream house, piles of ponies and all those daily shopping sprees. Only two career paths spring to mind that would pay that sort of money: a drug baron or an international management consultant. Since 'international management consultant' would have too many syllables for Barbie to cope with, we can only assume that Ken is an international jet-setting drug overlord."
[And if Barbie sues me I'm well and truly @#$%ed]
More to follow
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