Ask Me Bollox

with Annie Balls

Well Hello Lady!!!

What a thrill for you - Annie's back in print!! Those of you who don't have memories like goldfish might remember my GCN "Annie's Asylum" column back in 1998, in which I wrote mainly about my favourite subject - ME!

Well the guys at Free! have convinced me to put pen to paper once again (it's amazing what a bottle of vodka can do), but this time I'll be ranting and raving about everything. Now I'm no Jackie Collins (more like Joan) but here goes....

Firstly, thank you from the bottom of my cold, black heart to all of you who supported my "Reach for your Star" talent contest which raised thousands for The Round Tower Charity. Panti and Veda have been nicknaming me "Charity Balls" which I'll take as a compliment. Yes I do my bit, but as Bette Midler once said "only for the big diseases"! AIDS Charities are in a special league, as many of you demonstrated with amazing donations.

I still get asked whatever happened to Penny Bridge. Penny, for the majority of you who have never heard of her, was a dizzy,draglike thing from Hell who latched on to me for a while like a ball and chain. Penny was my downtrodden sidekick - the Madge to my Dame Edna - and as I was just saying to Miss Demeanor the other day (as she polished my high heels) I do miss having a stooge. Anyway despite several failed coneback attempts, Penny was last seen walking her dog along Dun Laoghaire pier (or vice versa) and knowing her she probably fell off the end, and is now at the bottom of Dublin Bay scaring the prawns.

Now I'm many things - A Diva, a Legend in my own tights, a first class bitch - but I recently realised what a lesbian icon I am. They follow me everywhere screeching "we love you Annie" and I've no idea why. I slag and abuse them and still the little fisheys worship me. They know I'm not that type of girl, but insist on showering me with their adoration. All I can say is - keep it up girls, I love me too!!

I won €4 the other day on the Telly Bingo (just enough of a pint), doesn't that Liz Bonnin look more like Shirley Temple-Bar every day?

Things getting on my tits this month include "Big Brother" (what a pack of twits, but at least there's no dreary Irish lesbian or irritating Irish queen this year), taxi drivers who insist on you paying cash instead of a far-more valuable blow-job, skinny queens in belly tops (waist not, want not!) and Haley from "Coronation Street" (imagine going through all the trouble of having a sex change only to end up with a man like Roy!).

Here's a helpful hint - don't throw away odd or old earrings. Use them as decorative tacks for your noticeboard. Alternatively, drop them in peoples drinks and watch them choke.

Anyway, I have to go as I'm attending the opening of a keg of Bulmers tonight and I can't be late. Until next time, take care of yourself ..... and fuck all the others.

Bottoms Up!