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And there was more..........

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out, it won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Old Harry was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and beckoned his wife. "Doris", he whispered,"you were with me through the Great Depression." "Yes Harry." "Doris, you were with me through the worst droughts in the fifties and the eighties." "Yes Harry." "And you were with me when the farm got burned out by the bushfires in the nineties. And last year, you were still hanging in there with me when the bank foreclosed on our mortgage and we lost the farm." "Yes Harry." "And now, here you are with me today, when I'm just about to die." Doris nodded. "You know Doris", he whispered, "I'm beginning to think that you're nothin' but bad luck!"

To the idealist, "sound sleep" requires a good conscience. To the realist, it just needs a good mattress. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Three buddies were talking about death and dying. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man." The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

A Child's Lament ....

4 Years Old -My Daddy can do anything.

5 Years Old -My Daddy knows a whole lot.

6 Years Old -My Daddy is smarter than your Dad.

8 Years Old -My dad doesn't know exactly everything.

10 Years Old - In the olden days when my Dad grew up, things were different.

12 Years Old - Oh well, naturally, Father doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.

14 Years Old - Don't pay any attention to my Father. He is so old fashioned.

21 Years Old - Him? Lord, he's so hopelessly out of date.

25 Years Old - Dad knows a little about it, but then he should, because he's been around so long.

30 Years Old - Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.

35 Years Old - I'm not going to do a single thing until I talk to Dad.

40 Years Old - I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise and had a world of experience.

50 Years Old - I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was.

Time line of Friendship....

1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.

3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.

4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours in the car.

5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to sit and wait with you when you got punished for pushing Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.

6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat in the cafeteria for you.

7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.

8. In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had

9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped deal with puberty and graduating from not only your junior high but your childhood

10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you to that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.

11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.

13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go...

14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.

15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to come over an send you off with a hug, a lot of memories, reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, hold your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "No way! You get violent when you drink."

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

These are actual letters and answers from Dear Abby:

1. Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a social worker in her mid twenties and the other a middle aged gym teacher. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

2. Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats on me so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

3. Dear Abby, I'm a 23 year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for 2 years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

4. Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

5. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

6. Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right to give my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't but he finally did it.

7. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

8. Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be 20 years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? signed, Carol. Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like....give him a tie.

9. Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten pound baby girl. They told me the baby was premature. Tell me,can a baby this big be that early? signed, Wondering. Dear Wondering, The baby was on time....the wedding was late.

10. Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? signed, Sam. Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.

11. Dear Abby, I am 44 years old and would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. signed, Rose. Dear Rose, So would I.

12. Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? signed, Bess. Dear Bess, Night and day.....

I heard about a preacher who had a problem. He woke up one morning, looked out the window and saw a dead donkey in his front yard. He hadn't the slightest idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. He called the sanitation departrment. He called the health department. He called several other agencies, but no one in the bureaucracy seemed able to help him. In desperation, he called the mayor and asked what could be done. The mayor answered testily. "Why bother me with your problem? You're a clergyman, it's your job to bury the dead." Whereupon the pastor lost his cool and snapped back, "Well, I just thought I'd better notify the next of kin. We can relate to his feelings of frustration!"

"You know you've reached middle age if you can remember when your favorite TV couple burst into song instead of jumping into bed."

"Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans."

You know you're old when you stoop to tie your shoe and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

A brave young boy rescued a man whose boat had capsized and who appeared to be drowning. When the man regained his speech he said, "Young man, I am a very wealthy attorney and want to reward you for saving my life. What would you like?" The young man thought for a minute and said, "A nice funeral." The lawyer was shocked and responded, "You're so young, why are you thinking of dying?" The boy answered, "Because when my parents find out I saved a lawyer, they're gonna kill me!"

1) What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die

2) Mr Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways "Our research shows
that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?" Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

3) What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute? Who cares?

4) A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough The bartender said, "I've got to ask you -why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there When he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough"

5)Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke

6) A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmers house The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow" So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn" A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door It's the pig and the cow1

7) A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates "$5000 for three questions", replied the lawyer "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

8) A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift Climb in the truck" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD" Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father I almost hit that lawyer" "That's okay", replied the priest "I got him with the door"

9) Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand

10) How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head

11) What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt? The bucket

12) What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand

13) Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery

14) What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night

15) If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve and hit him? It might be your bicycle

16) What does a lawyer use for birth-control? His personality

17) What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn

18) Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side

19) What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met

20) Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first pick

21) What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea

22) What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Vultures can't take their wing tips off

23) How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

24)Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks? Professional courtesy

25) What do you get when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in wet cement? More cement

26) What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A Rottweiler