One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm...I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Some People Are Like Potatoes. Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Tators." Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Speck Tators." Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Tators." Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Tators." There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Tators." Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Tators." Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Tators."

One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped. "Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked. "You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor." "That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?" "The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

A Priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. "Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep moist and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."

So you think Your life is bad Just think How Bad the life Of an Egg is........ You Only Get Laid Once!!.. You Only get eaten once!! ...It Takes 4 Minutes to get hard!! ...2 Minutes To Get Soft!! You Have To Share A Box With 11 Other Guys!!! And The Only Chick Who Ever Sat On Your Face Was Your Mother!!! NOW DON,T YOU FEEL BETTER

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the darn jar open!"

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed wondered if he even had anything to live for at this point. Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure ...." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 neck." Joe was once again surprised, "That's exactly right. How did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman, very matter of factly. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure ...." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9 ... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right .... How did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "So, how about a new hat?" Without hesitation, Joe said, "Sure ...." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see ... 7 5/8." Joe was incredulous. "That's right. Man, how can you tell all of this?" "It's my job," reiterated the salesman. The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new under-wear?" Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "No, you can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. he guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it peeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room, before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the Russians before kicking them out. "They built us a power plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." The ambassador looked pained and said, "Russian roulette is a dangerous game." "Right,that's why we invented African roulette; would you like to play?" "I'm not sure, how does it work?" The African clapped his hands and six gorgeous Women, all nude, came wiggling in. The diplomat explained, "Choose the one you want to give you oral sex." "That's a lot better and less risky than Russian roulette..."said the diplomat. "Not when one of them is a cannibal."

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned. The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says , "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus. " St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." So there!!!!

The Housekeeper An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional. About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you? The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Three guys(French,German,American) are lost wandering about in the dessert desperate for fluids for what seems days when all of a sudden they meet up with a genie. the genie says i will grant you 3 wishes, one each - where you can wish for a small lake full of whatever you like. the Frenchman runs forward and calls out 'champagne' and jumps into a pool of champagne. next, the German marches forward, yells out 'beer' and plunges into a lake full of beer. then the American charges forward, slips on a banana peel, and screams out 'SHIT !'