Plenty of rib tickling, side splitting jokes and stuff to keep you amused.....I promise!!!!...:)

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle, who has a chronic illness that requires medication. The zoo people can't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats, and one person who wears a full-arm glove for "the deed." So there you have it... 5 people have jobs worse than yours! Now stop bitching and get back to work!

These four gentlemen go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one," has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Wedding Invitation An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself onCaribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life....till the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gumtree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, andused the tools to make the hardware. The guy was stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she said.After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shorehe nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, andthey sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "-I can check my e-mail from here?"

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy". Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. “Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." “Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left kidney." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Um, what can I get for a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history.

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar? Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money." Man: "What are the three tests?" Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.. Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her." Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Bartender: "You're call. But your money stays in the jar." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teegeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Advantages of breast milk.

In a medical exam - "What are four advantages of breast milk?" A student began to answer the question.

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal them.

3. Available whenever necessary. But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes for the exam to close the much required fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by writing...

4. Available in attractive containers

An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineering student rode up on a shiny new bicycle. "Where did you get such a nice bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want!'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's it all going?" "How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse." "Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"

Sad news. There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible was the trouble they had keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in... well, you know the rest.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of Cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

Camping Alert

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

HelpFrom Above

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . .NOW you're screwed."

Two guys were riding down the street in a car. They come to a red light. The driver runs the red light. The passenger cries out "Hey, why did you do that?" The driver says, "Don't worry about it, my brother does it all the time." They came to another red light, and the same thing happens. The passenger is visibly upset and threatens to get out of the car the next chance he gets. At the next light, which is green, the driver slams on his brakes and comes to a screeching halt. The passenger is confused and asks, "What the heck is wrong with you? You ran two red lights but you stop at the green one." The driver responds:"My brother might be coming from the other way!"