What Men Are Really Like
... Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
... Cycle Helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
... Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.
... High Heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Miniskirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either
handicapped or extremely small.
... Place Mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Top of page
And for more men bashing . .
What do you do if your
boyfriend walks out?
Close the door.
When do you care for a man's
company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to
wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman's four favourite
animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the
bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
How do you get a man to do
sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so
short?
So men can remember them.
What did God say after
creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after she
made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
What's the difference between
men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What is the one thing that all
men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why do men buy electric lawn
mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why are married women heavier
than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has
lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
Man says to God: "God,
why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man
says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the
desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.
Top of page
even more men bashing . .
What
can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.
Why
did the man cross the road?
Because he heard the chicken was a slut.
Why
don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time!
Why
does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
Why
don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have a penis to keep them in!
What
do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who end up playing
with them.
Why
do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour-lock!
Why
do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.
Why
were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why
did God create a man before a women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Why
is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he's coming or going.
Have
you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a three and a half inch floppy.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.
How many men does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about
the screwing part.
What do you call a handcuffed
man?
Trustworthy.
Why do men name their
penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their
decisions.
Why does it take 100,000,000
sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.
How do you keep your husband
from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
What is the difference
between men and women...
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.
15 Laws For Women To Live By
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? - You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
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Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. Because I just love hearing this question.
4. Just lucky, I guess.
5. It gives my mother something to live for.
6. My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
7. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
8. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
10. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
19. I don't want to have to support another person on my salary.
20. Why aren't you thin?
21. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
22. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
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Answers for those irritating pick-up lines
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like
to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love
to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."
Man: "How do you like your
eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilised!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same
reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
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Definitions by gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
male: The strap fastener yokemmybob on lasses' bras.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing hurling without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scribbling a quick note before suddenly taking
off for a weekend in Amsterdam with the lads.
ARSE (ars) n.
female: The body part that every item of manufactured clothing always
makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when one of your lads has just
scored a hat-trick. Also good for mooning and placing on the office photocopier.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other lasses while out with
one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good film, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while having a pint at
the same time.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 68 channels on
NTL's new whatsit package every three minutes.
Top of page
Woman's Quote of the
Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with
which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the
Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all
sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
Top of page
Why men are like a pack of cards...
Men are like a pack of cards
You need a Heart to love them
A Diamond to marry them
A Club to batter them; and
A Spade to bury the b*stards
Top of page
The art of courting hasn't changed in more than a thousand years. Then, too, young maidens used to sit and listen to a lyre all night
Women's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it!
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Women's Lament:
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only
after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we
are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and
have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank
God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we
take the initiative.
And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex???
Top of page
Why A Pint Of Beer Is Better Than Men
A beer always goes down easy.
A beer can't interrupt.
A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
A beer doesn't mind when your mother calls round.
A beer doesn't snore.
A beer doesn't sulk.
A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
A beer lasts a bit longer than seven seconds.
A beer never needs a shave.
A beer tastes good.
A beer will only come when you want it to.
A beer won't switch the TV channel.
A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
A beer's life does not revolve around the football.
Having a beer can't make ye pregnant.
Top of page
Men Training Courses
Following on from the extremely popular Training Courses for Women, comes this new program from the same people....
Training Courses Now Available for Men:
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the wedding and the funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and removing the dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN tell the difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You can throw it away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the milk expired three weeks ago, keeping it in the refrigerator won't bring it back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's not just for women anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the electronics came in
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that came in the boxes that the electronics came in
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to remove beard clippings from the sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's wash those towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five easy ways to tell when you're about to run out of toilet paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to donate 15-year-old levis to the goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining your '70s polyester shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The dishes won't wash themselves
17. Romance: More Than a cable channel!
18. Strange But True!: She really may not care what "fourth down and ten" means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting movies that don't fall under the "action/adventure" category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's clean the closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's clean under the bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the first man to say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes empty MEANS empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's not just something you do during halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just because you have power tools doesn't mean you can fix it
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The age of a male and various milestones in his life...
| Age | Drink | Seduction Line | Favourite sport | Definition of successful date | Favourite fantasy | Ideal date | Ideal age to get married |
| 17 |
Beer |
Me ma and da are away for the weekend |
Shagging |
"Tongue" |
A winning goal just before the final whistle |
Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in |
25 |
| 25 |
Vodka and red bull |
My girlfriend is away for the weekend |
Shagging |
"Breakfast" |
Shagging in the "Mile High Club" (an airplane) |
"Split the cheque before we go back to my place." |
35 |
| 35 |
Scotch |
My fiancée is away for the weekend |
Shagging |
"She didn't set back my therapy." |
Ménage a trois |
"Just come over." |
48 |
| 48 |
Double scotch |
My wife is away for the weekend |
Channel surfing |
"I didn't have to meet her kids." |
Taking over the company |
"Just come over and cook." |
66 |
| 66 |
Prune juice |
My wife is dead |
Napping |
"Got home alive." |
Swiss maid/Nazi love slave |
A quick shag in the company jet on the way from the regional airport to somewhere fancy like Paris. |
17 |
What Men Really Mean
"I'm going fishing"
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself silly with the lads, and stand by a muddy stream with
a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine's full of empties, burger wrappers and completely out of petrol."
"It's a bloke thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, love," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have ye lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last 40 euros on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them. Any chance
of a quick shag?"
"It'd take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I haven't a clue how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the zapper are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a complete mad eejit maniac."
"You cook exactly like me Ma used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I 'was' listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red head over there is wearin' a bra."
"Take a break, love, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the match over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are ye still talking?"
"Listen love, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"Ye want me to stay awake?"
"It's a really great movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, tanks explosions and Kim Wilde."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The lass selling them at the corner shop was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm
hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty tea-towel in the laundry basket."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"I'm going to stop off for a swift pint with the lads."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative state with me
chest-pounding, mouth-breathing, pre-evolutionary companions till closing time."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm famished."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find any clean socks, the kids are hungry and we are out of loo paper."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Somewhere that doesn't have a drive-through window."
Is he most perfect man in the world ever?
Look that the evidence, girls:
(a) he's tanned,
(b) he's cute,
(c) he knows the importance of "accessorising", and (d) if he looks at
another lass you can always rearrange his face.
And finally . . .
10 THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed
man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their
decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000
sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q: How do you keep your husband
from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Q: What is the difference between
men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to
satisfy his one need.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
and finally . . .
Men who have body piercings are excellent marriage prospects; they've bought jewellery and experienced pain!
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