|How to identify a Planner|
|Guidelines for successful Planners||Planners Staff Structure|
|Planning Explained to the Uninitiated||Planners Jargon Explained|
|The Planning Administrator|
|Planner Harassment||What Planners mean when they say . . .|
|Planning implications of Earth's creation and Hell||The PLAN|
|What is a Planner - there are two views!||The Rules of Planning|
The heaviest element know to science was recently discovered by university physicists engaged in a long-term study into the 'functioning' of the typical planning system.
The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 deputy neutrons, 70 assistant neutrons and 161 assistant deputy neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction ordinarily occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which deputy neutrons, assistant neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic number actually increasing after each reorganisation.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations, such as government departments, local authorities and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained offices.
Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure. I also hear that the reaction of Administratium with another new element, Managerum, is fairly unstable. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles. Sometimes chemical bonding occurs and a new improved compound is formed. Other times the reaction is more violent, with excessive amounts of heat and darkness being generated and the Administratium remaining unchanged. Managerum has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganisation. It is believed that these differences have some relationship to the number of "holes" in the support provided by the various neutrons. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
The 'scientists' are looking into them.
The Source of Administratium
Scientists have just released the secret of the source of Administratium; It is refined from a repulsive amorphous material similar to a thick petroleum tar but much more viscous and sticky. This substance is known as Bureaucratite.
Bureaucratite should be avidly avoided as it almost completely freezes progress. Anything unfortunate enough to venture into a deposit of Bureaucratite is instantly trapped and becomes entirely coated with the bituminous mess, although it may take weeks or months to sink out of sight into a deposit. Many creatures, long extinct, have been discovered within such quagmires but better preserved than those found in ice or tar pits.
Extraction from a deposit, should one be so lucky, is always excruciatingly long and painful and rarely completely successful. Many unfortunates are haunted by innocuous bits of the stuff which always turn up in the most unexpected places and inconvenient times. People unlucky enough to have been exposed to Bureaucratite have exhibited dangerously raised blood pressures, heart rates and bodily temperatures along with extremes of emotion.
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