|How to identify a Planner|
|Guidelines for successful Planners||Planners Staff Structure|
|Planning Explained to the Uninitiated||Planners Jargon Explained|
|The Planning Administrator|
|Planner Harassment||What Planners mean when they say . . .|
|Planning implications of Earth's creation and Hell||The PLAN|
|What is a Planner - there are two views!||The Rules of Planning|
A Doctor, a Engineer, and a Planner are going out golfing. They are trying to decide whose profession came first.
The Doctor says, "My profession came first because when God removed Adam's rib he performed surgery."
The Engineer then says, "No, no, no. When the earth was dark and void God created light. That was engineering."
The Planner says, "You're both wrong."
The doctor and engineer reply, "Oh yeah? What makes you think yours came first?"
The Planner replies, "Who do you think decided to grant the planning permission for the light?"
There was a Doctor, a Civil Engineer, and a Planner sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.
The Doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.
The Engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.
The Planner leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
A judge, a bishop,
and a Planner were having a discussion. All three were rather vain , and their
talk soon turned to the question of which of them was the greatest.
"Well," said the judge, "my position is one of dignity and power. When I walk into the courtroom, the bailiff says 'All rise!' and all the people stand to pay me honour."
"That's very nice," said the bishop. "People stand in your honour; but when people have an audience with me they kneel, kiss my ring, and they address me as 'Your Eminence.'"
The Planner snorted and said, "I think I got you both beat; when I walk into any room as a consultant, the people look down, put their hands over their eyes, and say 'Oh, my God!'"
An Engineer, an
Architect and a Planner are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God
looks and them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first
ask you what you believe in."
Addressing The Engineer first he asks, "what do you believe?"
The Engineer looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe engineering to be for the good of all. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Barcelona. I have devoted my life to bring joy to people through good engineering."
God looks up and offers the Engineer the seat to his left.
He then turns to the Architect, "and you, my son, what so you believe?"
The Architect stands tall and proud, "I believe that good art and design are the fundamentals to an enjoyable life and I've spent my whole career seeking to be being a living embodiment of the the quest for the best of these."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers the Architect the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns
to the Planner, "and you, a planner, what do you believe?"
"I believe", says the Planner, "that you're sitting in my seat."
Three professionals were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first, an architect finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two, he said, "As Architects, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second, an engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "Engineers, are not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The Planner finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "In the Planning Department, we don't pee on our hands."
A Priest, a Doctor and an Planner were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Planner: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the Frank, the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi Frank. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
Frank: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Planner: Why can't these guys play at night?
Three Planning students were gathered together discussing the planning of the human body.
One said, "It must have been a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has lots of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
A young planning graduate happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out with you for a week". The planner shrugs his shoulders, bends down and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your girlfriend for a week". The planner nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your girlfriend for a whole year!". The planner smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a planner," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
A mathematician, a physicist and an Planner are each given 50 pounds (do the Euro conversion yourself) to measure the height of a building.
The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes the height of the building.
The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he establishes the height of the building.
The Planner puts forty pounds into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the other ten, he establishes the height of the building and heads for the happy hour in the nearest pub.
When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
A Mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.
A Physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.
A Planner will stand there to make sure it doesn’t land without permission!
The first surgeon says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in,
"You know, I like building workers ... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed,
"You're all wrong. Planners are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."
The Chief Planner, two Deputy Chief Planners in a city Planning Department were walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the first Deputy Planner. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says second Deputy Planner. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! She's gone (yes, there are women Planners too!)
"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief Planner. The Chief Planner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
An Architect, an Artist, and an Planner were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The Architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The Artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The Planner said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the Architect and Artist in unison.
The Planner replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."
Man goes goes to Planning Consultant
Man: What's your least expensive fee?
Planning Consultant : 80 euros for three questions.
Man: That's pretty expensive, innit?
Planning Consultant : Yep. So what's your third question?
In a recent WHO study, doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of Planners and Developers.
While the majority of the Planners achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the Developers simply grew taller.
The researchers are at a loss to explain.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Department person asked the young Planner, fresh out of University, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Planner replied, "In the neighbourhood of £35,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of eight weeks of holidays, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, non-contributory retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a complimentary car leased every 2 years - say, a red Honda Accord?"
The Planner sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you joking?"
And, the Human Resources person said, "Of course, but you started it."
An Engineer, a physicist, an economist and a Planner were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large Local Authority. The Engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: "How much is two plus two?" The Engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the European Standards Authority and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
Then the interviewers then call in the economist and ask the same question: "What do two plus two equal?" The economist says: "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
The Planner was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked, "How much do you want it to be?"
The European Space Agency was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one person could go and it would be a one way trip, so the person selected would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million euros", the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- The Engineering School."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions euros," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a Planner. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million euros."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The Planner replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
One afternoon, a Planning student was riding across campus on a shiny new bike. He ran into a friend of his, also a Planning Student, who said, "Wow! That sure is a great bike. Where did you get it?"
"Well, the darndest thing happened," said the first Planning student. "A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said that I could have anything that I wanted."
"Wow," remarked his friend. "That's great. Good move. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
It had come to the attention of the Planning Department that there was a small town in the region where the birth rate was unusually high and there was a need for a lot of crèches, schools, etc. The Chief Planner decided that the phenomenon had to be investigated. A proposal was formulated for a special study. This was sent to Brussels to get a special E.U. funding grant. A very large heap of money was allocated, and a special project task force was set up. The project team rented a large suite of offices in the town and acquired the latest expensive computer and other equipment. On the first day of operation the project leader decided to have a break, and went to a near-by coffee shop for refreshment. There he explained to a waiter what the project team were up to. "You wouldn't know why the birth rate is high in this town" he said. The waiter replied that there was a train station in the middle of the town, and that every morning at about five-o-clock the first train came through blowing its whistle wakening everyone up. "Well at that time, its to late to back to sleep again, and too early to get up . . .!"
This Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his planning consultant, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where's the 3 friggin' million friggin' bucks you embezzled from me?"
The planner interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"
The planner, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what ye are talking about."
The planner interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimetre pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The planner signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my back yard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The planner interprets to the Godfather, "He says... 'go to hell, you don't have the guts to pull the trigger'."
Q: What is the difference between a Planner and a toilet?
A: The toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.
Q: How many Planners does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. They are all too busy trying to plan the perfect light bulb.
A2: Only the one with the approved plan
A3: None. "According to the plan, the problem doesn't exist."
A4: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.
A5: None, but it takes 15 to prepare the plan for coping in the dark.
"The Cannibal Planners"
Five cannibal planners are appointed as assistant
planners in a Dublin Planning Consultancy (no names). During the welcoming
ceremony, the boss says: "Right mateys, you're all part of our team now. You can
earn good money here, and you can go to the staff canteen for something to eat.
But whatever you do, don't trouble the other employees." Fair enough, say the
cannibals, and they promise not to trouble the other staff.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. Great stuff, lads. But one of our cleaners has disappeared. Does any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals deny all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibal planners says to the others: "Right, which one of you eejits ate the cleaning lady?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "Jimmy [for that is his name], ye feckin' fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Task Leaders, Engineering Consultants and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat Mrs O'Brien."
The Physicist, a Chemist and a Planner
A physicist, a chemist and a consultant are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. Suddenly a tin of delicious Campbells Condensed Chicken Soup washes ashore. So the physicist does a quick mental calculation and says: "Let's smash the tin open with a rock." The chemist scribbles a few notes and after a minute says: "No, no, let's build a fire and heat the tin up first." The planner looks up from his spreadsheet of figures and says: "OK, all things being equal, let's assume for a start that we have a tin opener..."
The Smartest Hunting Dog
A doctor, an engineer, and a planner go out hunting in the forest one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones.
Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of a deer skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a deer skeleton from the pile of animal bones.
The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own.
The planner, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply, "Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the rest of the afternoon off.
Another Planner with a smart dog
Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
One was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third
man as a Chemist, the fourth was a Computer Tech and the fifth was a Government Planner.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff". T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that it was pretty incredible. But the Accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits. He divided them into four equal piles of three biscuits each. Everyone agreed that that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got a pint glass from the cupboard and poured exactly a pint without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that it was more than a little impressive. The Computer Tech knew that he could top them all. "Hard Drive, do it". Hard Drive crossed the room and booted up the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an e-mail and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that it was a tough act to follow.
Then the four men turned to the Government Planner and said, "What can your dog do?" The Planner called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff boy". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, erased all of the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six month sick leave.
The Planning Consultant
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Wicklow Mountains.
Suddenly a brand-new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd; "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of sheep grazing on the hillside and replies, "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a EU Commission Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says; "You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
The shepherd smiles, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man takes an animal. He puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says, "You are a Planning Consultant."
"How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
"Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to
tell me something I already knew, and thirdly, you don't understand anything
about my business...
.....now may I have my dog back?"
A Seasonal Offering
Consider the following:
1) You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
2) Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
3) Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.
4) Most grown-ups think he doesn't exist.
5) Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40-hour week.
6) Santa travels a lot.
Yup, exactly, elementary dear Watson: Santa is obviously a Director of Planning.
and finally, did you know
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the Planner, the glass is twice as big as it should have been planned.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
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