Planning Humour


The Complete Planner Humour Collection

How to identify a Planner

Guidelines for successful Planners
Planning Jokes Planners Staff Structure
Planning Explained to the Uninitiated Planners Jargon Explained

Planning Complaint form

The Planning Administrator
Planner Harassment What Planners mean when they say . . .
Planning implications of Earth's creation and Hell The PLAN
What is a Planner - there are two views! The Rules of Planning
When Planners turn to prose - We have stories! First density Everything I've learned in a Planning Office

Everything I need to know I've learned in a Planning Office

  1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

  2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

  3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

  4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

  5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

  6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

  7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

  8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

  9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

  10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

  11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

  12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

  13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

  14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

  15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

  16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

  17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

  18. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

  19. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

  20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

  21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

  22. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

  23. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

  24. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

  25. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.

  26. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.

  27. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.

  28. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

  29. If you can smile when everything goes wrong, you probably don't understand the problem.

  30. Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

  31. Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter."

  32. I pretend to work because they pretend to pay me.

  33. Never let a computer know you are in a hurry.

  34. When all else fails, lower your standards.

  35. If at first you don't succeed, call it a day and have a cold beer.

  36. If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of others

  37. You need to give 100 per cent at work, 15% on Monday, 25% on Tuesday, 35% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.

  38. Half your colleagues at work are below average.

Sarcasm for Beginners in a Planning Office

Here are 42 Sarcastic remarks to get you through any day in a stressful Planning Office.  Impress your colleagues by using these humorous quotes and phrases to brighten up the day.

  1. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
  2. Do I look like a damn people person?
  3. This isn't a Planning office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  8. You!... Off my planet!
  9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
  10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was Flat.
  12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
  15. A BBC2 mind in an MTV world.
  16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
  17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
  19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
  22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
  23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
  24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
  26. It isn't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
  27. A woman's favourite position is CEO.
  28. Just a second, I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
  36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  38. I plead contemporary insanity.
  39. And which dwarf are you?
  40. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
  41. Meandering to a different drummer.


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Copyright 2002 N. O'Byrne